June 24, 2012 — A Day D Dennison Will Remember

This day is not one I look forward to, it's just another day, I know, but it marks the day that my world got turned upside down and nothing in this universe will ever put it back quite the way it was again.

Ashley and Colton Eating at the Ranch

It's been three years today, if you look at a calendar, it was just a moment ago if you look inside my heart. The pain a parent endures when losing a child is nothing that can ever be put into words that those who haven't will understand, but that's okay by me... I would never want you to know a second of my pain.

What I have learned in the last three years is that love your family, friends, close ones as hard and big as you can every day. Don't wait till their birthday to call or write (an email, I guess) let those in your life today know how much they mean to you and share your love in words spoken aloud. A simple text with a smiley face, hey I am thinking of you or I miss your face, let's get together soon can change someones day... remind them they are loved and wish them a good day.
Oh it's true words and gestures won't make the world perfect and it won't protect us from further pain, but sometimes making today, this moment better for ourselves and others is far more precious than fairy tales that may not come true.
My Zachariah continues to become a man of great honor and pride that brightens my heart beyond compare, he is engaged and set to be married next summer to a woman that fits him well, Randi will be a great addition to our family. My Natasha doesn't know the words 'you can't', she walks tall in her education as a student with many honors, works well to bring light to the lives of adults with special needs and although she doesn't clean my house anymore or do my laundry (oh hush, I paid her well) I love her and am proud of her. Alex, her man of 6 years hasn't popped the question yet and promises me and his family members it will only add to the tine frame if we keep asking, but he is already part of the family and we know his intentions and they are to love her up. Both of these wonders, Zachariah and Natasha bring me laughter, love and happiness.
I won't lie, some days I still cannot breathe and I don't pretend I can-something you either love or H-A-T-E about me... I can still be caught crying myself to sleep and yelling at God.... I won't ever understand why my babies Ashley and Colton were taken from me nor will I ever not want to punch someone in the face when they say 'some things aren't meant to understand!' I sometimes look at families that are 'whole' with disdain, and yes, I do feel guilty for this. The laughter of children can make me mad and the interactions between mother and child in the store or gym or wherever can bring me to my knees with memories and a feeling of loss.
I won't pretend I am whole, because I am not. I don't expect I ever will be and if you do, I apologize for disappointing you (not really, but it seemed like the thing to say) I do know that my family that lives and breathes around me today love me and embrace me for who I am and for that I am appreciative. My James has been a champion putting up with my panic attacks, mood swings, and Lord knows what else, he with my living children fill me with reasons to continue to ask why, but to also live, breathe (to sit still when I can't), and love while doing so...
I will mourn their loss with mac and cheese for breakfast in bed or not... in solitude or not... surrounded by those who love me or not... but most of all I will remember every moment of their lives, all of it and cry, laugh and sit silent.
Thank you for always being here for me and thank you for helping us keep their lives, accomplishments and memories alive. Bless you and yours today and if you haven't reached out to someone in awhile, maybe today would be a good day to say hey!