My Very Personal Battle With Depression and a Broken Brain – Brian’s Blog

I have always tried to be an open book with you. I show you all of me warts and all because I have always felt that if I experience something and learn from it that I can pass that on to you and maybe be of help to someone. I have the coolest job in the world but have the same pain and ailments you do. You have been with me through a heart attack, life threatening infections and many other difficult times. I feel the need to share my latest episode with you. Maybe you will be helped by my story.

I am a happy guy for a living. My job is to be in a good mood and create that mood for those who tune in. Many people would be surprised how much of a challenge that can be at times. I can confess to you that I battle panic attacks and very deep depression at times. I take medication for these things but even then sometimes I still just lose it. I just had a two week vacation and spent most of it battling my brain. I went into a deep deep depression where I would wake up crying and couldn't get my head right or even find a smile. I couldn't really think at all. I was just sad. I got into such a dark place in my mind that I even thought "maybe it would easier if I just wasn't here anymore" and that scared the hell out of me. It is not like I was plotting my suicide but to even have the thought of "what if I wasn't here" enter my mind was frightening to me. I sat down and talked to my wife about it, which helped but then we decided that I really needed a professional opinion. I am so thankful I did. That visit may have saved me. I was put on a new medication and tweaked some things in my routine and feel I am on my way back. I have the light on again when it was so dark for some time. I put on a good front but was hurting so bad inside. It was kind of the 'tears of clown' kind of thing. I would go out and smile and make people happy but was ripped up inside.

I tell you now that having problems in your brain is nothing to ashamed of and nothing to ignore. You wouldn't just keep limping if your leg was broken. You would see a doctor and get it fixed. Your brain is the same way, sometimes you need help to fix your mental limp. Do not ignore what your mind is saying and do not just sit there. You need to talk to someone. Don't ignore depression and bad thoughts. There are people who can help. Even calling a friend or family member can help so much and in cases like mine, where medication is needed, there is help. They have some amazing drugs on the market now that can really make a difference if used properly. One place I believe in big time that you can call in these situations is North Range Behavioral Health at 970-347-2120.

There are so many of us who suffer in silence feeling that we are just crazy and are afraid of telling anyone. Don't be. You are not alone. I am one of you and there are people and things that can really help you. I have asked all around me to be patient and understanding with me while I get better and I am not ashamed. I am Brian Gary, warts and all, and I am proud of it.