I Need a Cat Whisperer

I am a freak about cleaning the cat box, two cats at least twice a day. I have a pretty solid feeding schedule, a little wet in morning, a little wet at night and dry free feeding during the day. Both cats are of healthy weights with shiny coats, so....

Why the constant meowing from time to time... here's my lap, oh, my lap isn't good enough... you want me to pet you, okay, oh, wait, you don't want me to pet you or touch you or move once you are comfortable nestled underneath my chin so that I can't see the TV... mmmmmmm

Tonight while I was working, Barley decided not only to put his one paw on my leg, but the other on the keyboard while meowing as if I had not fed him or changed the liter box in days, when I looked at him and started to talk to him, he turned away and left the room...

I need a cat whisperer. My Barley is very smart, he can tell time as he circles me at 6pm to let me know its time for wet food, he runs up the stairs when he determines its bedtime, which is the same time every night for him. Barley even knows when I wake up in the morning because as soon as I do he runs upstairs to my room and starts meowing and then as I am going down the stairs darts out in front of me, not so smart, I could fall and not get up and then who would feed him his morning wet food... not so smart Barley.

Lily is the easy going one, go figure she was Ashley's cat. She just hangs in the back and watches, she reaps all the rewards from Barley's constant meowing, yet only meows when it looks like you might pet her, its more like she is saying, don't touch me. She has developed a weird habit I can't figure out, she will look out the window and make a sound, I don't think that I can spell the sound to really get across what it is, kind of like she is cackling, but does that make sense? I need a cat whisperer.

As I type this moment they are both snuggled into the big couch and pretending not to know that I am typing about them, but something tells me that cats really know everything...EVERYTHING! Sam, the American Eskimo that is 12 and acts like he is 2 is passed out in the entry way, half on the carpet and half on the hardwood floor, can that be comfortable? Don't think so.

The only thing that I know for certain is as soon as I move away from the computer, Sam will wake up as if to say, what are we gonna do now and Barley will start meowing and Lily will lurk in the background and may or may not cackle at something.

I need a cat whisperer!