I am sorry that I was not with you Monday May 6, 2013. I thought that I could do it, be strong and triumphant and I couldn't; it would have been Colton's 17th birthday.

D Dennison-TSM Colton at 13

Lord I pray that you don't know now nor shall you ever know what it is like to lose a child (or two) The first months are numbing and you coast through them in a fog. There aren't many thing's that I can remember, even after I came back to work. I am approached often by people I haven't seen since last summer and they reference events, moments and conversations in which I haven't clue of what they are talking about. I do remember most of the first's, even the Fourth of July, just days after the funeral. As the months grow long and I approach the one year anniversary, as any parent can imagine, I am bombarded with pain and disbelief that it has already almost been that long.

Colton's 17th birthday is the second to last first thing I've had to face in the past nearly 11 months. The birthday of the baby, a boy, a young man that should still be here was hard. I spent the day thinking of him, looking at family pictures, crying and watching really stupid daytime tv. A friend called to see if I had eaten and did a forced McDonald's drop off, as I told her I wasn't into being social and that I was fine. She did drop off McDonalds, I did eat it and even spent about thirty minutes with her. Shortly after she left, My Natasha showed up and we just sat and talked, it was nice. I then decided that it was time to buck up and do one of the hardest thing's of the day, dinner at Jim's Wings. Colton's favorite birthday spot. We have gone to Jim's for his birthday about 5 or 6 times out of the last 7 birthday's, so this would be no different, well a little different without our Gentle Giant. (remember he was 6'1 and 230lbs) We ate wings, laughed and remembered the times he was there with us. And in a way My Natasha made sure he was...

D Dennison-TSM Zachariah, Natasha (with Ashley and Colton)

Notice we even put a birthday hat on him?! :) It was a good time, a lot better than we had thought it would be. Zachariah (Zachariah's birthday was Sunday, so it was especially hard for him, his birthday buddy wasn't there) had dreaded it in a way because his little brother wasn't there, but we made it work and it was nice to be together. We are all glad that we did it.

So, what is the next first I must endure? Yep, Mother's Day! This is a huge day for our family with many traditions. This will likely be one of the most difficult first's for me, all of the children have always gone overboard to honor me on this day. I will cherish the fact that My Natasha has taken the day off of work and that Zachariah will be there too, but as a Mother, no matter how hard these two loving and living children try I will have to try harder to show my appreciation. As a mother, no matter how special they are, my basket is two babies short and that just ain't right!

If you are fortunate enough to still have your mother around, love her with all your might and shower her with flowers and food! :) (by the way, Mothers Day is THIS Sunday)