I am a man, which means I need a lot of help to get by and thankfully the internet is there for the clueless like myself. I find it so handy that if there is something I need to know or know how to do, I can just type in a few words and I get my answer. I have found myself many times sitting down and typing the words “How to” into my search engine, like “How to get my wife to get ready on time?” or “How to get Susan to stop a horse story?” or “How to get Todd to laugh?”, unfortunately there no answers to these questions but most others can be answered. Hitwise has collected over 130,000 “how to” queries over the last 2 years and ranked the most popular. Here are the Top 10 “how to” searches and some answers from your trusty Uncle Brian:

10-“how to make a video”- hit record

9-“how to make out”-get signed permission from the girl’s father, lightly kiss her check and then marry her. Yes, I am a father

8-“how to get pregnant”-see number 9 then get a 6 pack and a George Strait CD

7-“how to draw”-find a cool picture, get a piece of paper put it on top of cool picture and trace

6-“how to levitate”-I find if you use the decorative soaps in the bathroom your wife will kick you high enough to levitate

5-“how to write a resume”-get fired, it will come to you

4-“how to lose weight”-eat less and move more

3-“how to kiss”-find someone who wants to kiss you back, then press your mouth against theirs and try to eat their face without chewing

2-“how to have sex”-still working on this one

And the number one query…”how to tie a tie”-I actually have my dad tie my ties when he comes to visit and leave them tied for future use, I know he tried to teach me: over one side, then under the other, then go back over and under the other way again, pull it through and tighten…or was that the instructions he gave for query number 2? I get confused.